Hello, Spongey here

For the first time, I had to cancel a marathon. Yes, Dreamworks a thon is shit-canned. Why? ,…eh, lazy-ness

I just got caught up in other stuff, and I think I have no reason to go on for it. I don’t have the drive or energy for it and since no one cares, I canned it. To be honest, I have little to say about a lot of these movies. So it’d be dull anyway

But I will do a post saying my thoughts on all their movies that I didn’t get to. So check that out when I do

But, there is one movie I NEEDED to talk about…marathon or no.Before I start, I must say this:

As a kid, I saw this when it came out. I was young, so I loved it. Even a few years later, I still found it okay. Thus I didn’t get why it was hated

Then a few web reviewers did reviews that explained why it sucks. So I had to go back and see if it aged well..

It didn’t at all..

That’s enough introductions. Let’s do this.

This is, Shark Tale

We start off with the classic dreamworks logo, with the kid fishing on the moon. But then he casts his line,…which has a worm in it. And he…casts it into the sea, which takes us  into the movie proper

Okay, that’s pretty cool

So this worm is out in the middle of the ocean…which is now below the moon. Then they shamlessly use the jaws music when a shark comes up

…Except this shark is here to help! This is lenny, voiced by jack black. I’m a bifg fan of jack black. Why? He’s funny. Why​? He has a very funny, noticable  voice. That’s why the kids love him. Hence why he’s in this movie

And…they make him sound like jabberjaw’s  cousin. Really.

“Did I scare you buddy?”

Say…WHY CAST JACK BLACK IF HE’S GONNA PLAY A ROLE WHERE HE CAN’T USE HE BEST ASSET?! If you wanted a good guy voice, get a good guy voice!

God, we’re not even 5 minutes in,…

He frees the worm, but runs into his brother Frankie, See, jack black here is a vegan, and thus everyone hates him. Oh, and what does frankie do?

Hum the jaws theme. SUBTLE

The sharks rule the ocean, so when they leave the area, the fish come out. A news reporter named katie current (UGH) tells us this.

With that we enter our undersea city, full of fish puns, cameos, and …TV. Which,….works…underwater?

Yeah, that’s one of the movie’s biggest problems: THE WORLD MAKES NO SENSE. Not only do they use modern tech in an area where it wouldn’t work, but they know modern stuff that they normally wouldn’t know. Some stuff,they would know, but they are pretty much humans!

Oh, and there’s traffic…EVEN THOUGH THEY CAN SWIM.

It’s not all that creative, as it’s just a normal city..but not. It’s not funny, and it’s just dumb. So anyway, we also get MORE lame puns like…a prawn shop

Ywah, if you take a shot for every lame pun, you’d die

Oh, and a sushi shop…where no one is at. Okay, that’s kinda funny. So after that we see-

OH GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?!

It looks like a mutant. They’re scared of the sharks, yet this THING gets a pass? Oh yeah…this is oscar, voiced by will smith. Bet you can’t tell.

And that’s another main issue: the character designs are UGLY. The sharks look okay, but everyone else looks like a reject from the uncanny valley. You know why finding nemo made the fish look like fish?

Cuz making them human…is like this! And even worse: this is our MAIN CHARACTER! How are we supposed to like him?

Oh, and will smith Is really annoying in this. I like will smith, but god he sucks here. All he does is spout a bunch of puns, and catchphrases. I’m white,. And i’m offended!

So here we see him be annoying, and lonely, as he is a nobody. He is told this by some punk kids.

“You so broke, yo baloney have no first name!”

…that makes no sense

So will smith fish (WITH APOLOGIZES TO DOUG WALKER) heads to his job at a whale wash. Okay, that’s kind of funny

He spouts more gibberish as he visits his coworker angie, voiced by Rene Zellwigger. She’s the love interest SPOILER ALERT Oh, and she’s writing…on paper. Come on, spongebob made fun of this! Anyway, will smith comes in and they hang out a bit

So they are friends cuz…i don’ know. If you ask me i’d have will smith fish killed before becoming his friend.

Will smith wish pitches one of his crazy schemes

“bottled…water”

Uh, if he knows about modern stuff, shouldn’t they know that exists? LOGIC! Angie tells him to stop and he does.

So we join the sharks, who are all part of a mafia. Okay, that’s a neat idea but it’s an excuse to make jokes no kid will get.

We see the head shark, voiced by Robert de niro. And somehow this is more dignified than little fockers

He’s making deals with oscar’s boss Sykes (again, very subtle) voiced by Martin Scorsese. Come on ,a non acting celebrity? Dreamworks, you’re better than this!

Oh, and godfather music plays….and then we see it played on a record. Robert asks some dude to stop…and it switches to baby got back

…ugh

Oh, and where do the sharks hang? At the wreck of the titanic. Yes, ANOTHER movie with sharks near the titanic. At least he;’s not rapping….

So Robert de niro is stepping down, so instead the rulers will be his sons, Frankie and jack black. Yeah, he has no idea his son is a fuck up, but martin knows better.

“Oh yeah he’s special all right”

Oh, what a lovely joke

“I bring you in , face you in the eye and then what”

“what?”

“What?”

“No, I said what first”

‘no..”

“no you said what and then I said what”

“what?”

“…you said what first.”

SHUT UP!

After mocking jack black, sykes is fired. Oh, and sykes is a puffer fish, which only makes me wish mrs puff were here. He also tells Sykes to bring him a bunch of money.

So will smith fish is washing his whale, while bitching and moaning.

“It could be worse”

“Yeah, I could have this job, and look like you”

Look who’s fucking talking

And…after something with the whale happens…

“Still think it could be worse?”

“ I could look like you”

There you go!

After that, he runs into Sykes’ jellyfish goons…who are Jamaica.  How clever? He is taken to his office

Then he puts on his annoying voice, then does this slapping thing with skyes..

“A lot of white fish can;’t do it”

…He’s not white.

So will smith fish owes him 5 grand. Why?

“Simple: the food chain”

That and will smith fish is a fuck up. And…he borrowed that much from him awhile ago.

“There is no happy place with him around”

You got that right. So he gives him 24 hours to pay up. So will smith visits angie, (after getting beat up) and tells her about this.

Then oscar laments that he is nobody in a sea of somebodies, which would be sad if he was likable.

“I want to be rich and famous, like them!”

I’d make a comment about that, but I think we all know I hate this guy by now. Oh then he says that his dad worked at the wash his whole life, and was great at it. But the kids mocked oscar for that

“Nobody loves a nobody”

But you just said you loved your dad, so that shouldn’t matter. Also, is he dead? Never explained

So angie helps him out by giving him a pearl her grandma had. Okay to be fair, that’s kinda sweet and this scene is alright. So now he has his money, sort of.

Back with the sharks, robert tells jack he is a fuck up and needs to be a killer. Oh, NOW he frowns upon him. So what was the point of him firing sykes?!

So anyway, he tries to make jack eat a shrimp, but he refuses. The shrimp tries to stop him with a sob story about working for money to feet his kids but of course, Robert doesn’t buy it

jJck black has had it, so he frees the shrimp. This doesn’t please Robert de niro. You know, at least jack is playing a character Everyone else is playing themselves!

So the next day, Sykes is at the horse race track…wait what? So here seahorses are treated as just animals?  This world makes no sense!

Oscar arrives with the money, but he hears from some guy that a certain horse will win, and betting on it will you tons of money]

but oscar-

“5000 on lucky day to win!”

…Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! He says he is a millionaire…which summons-

Angelina jolie fish,. Who is the least sexiest sexy thing ever. Her voice is, but that’s not enough. Also, they play gold digger

Again, very subtle

She talks to him, cuz he has money, I guess. Before she can do anything, sykes come in to ask oscar about the money. But then jolie mentions the bet, which pisses off sykes

After Sykes tells him off, jolie leaves. Well she was only there to make sykes hate will smith even more. With that, they watch the race, hoping lucky day wins

It goes well…until lucky trips and loses. Wah wah.

“Who in the halibut trips underwater?”

Yeah just cuz you make fun doesn’t make it make sense. So thankfully, will smith is tied up at the bottom of the ocean to get killed

Having fun yet kids?

So jack black is brought out to kill something. They spot oscar. PLEASE EAT HIM NOW!

I don’t care If you’re vegan, kill the asshole! The jellyfish goons spot the sharks and run. However, jack black is nice though will smith doesn’t see it

He tells smith to clam down while he tricks frankie. It doesn’t work,. So frankie goes after will smith. ..

Then an anchor falls on him. And…he dies. Um, wow. That’s kind of mature for this movie. They may actually get some emo-

“I‘m so cold”

“that’s cuz we’re cold blooded”

‘…Moron”

And one NOOO later, the moment is ruined. Good job!

Seriously, this could have worked. They could have milked this and really go into how jack black regrets this. But NOPE!

Okay they do but it’s not well done. Plus I hate everyone

Jack runs, leaving oscar with the body. The jellyfish come back…and think oscar did it  I smell WACKY HIJINX. And yes, he takes the credit.. He goes and tells everyone and bam, we have our plot

Will smith is now famous for being a shark killer. Even Sykes is now on good terms with him. Oscar forgives that whole…..trying to kill him thing to live it up with him

So the sharks have a funereal for frankie. Which isn’t sad at all for some reason. So robert is pretty pissed. Jack black ran away so they think he isn’t so good either

He talks about how this sucks while another shark talks about will smith and how he hears he killed frankie. He swims off, and oh he does karaoke.

\Any requests? How about that titanic song?”

…if you mean party time, I will kill you

So anyway, we have the obligatory getting famous montage with oscar. And we get more puns, and more annoying phrases. They should have called this movie “SHIT KIDZ LIKE”

Will smith is partying it up at his new house, and hangs with angie. And…he actually still likes here and thinks she’s important? She’s not gonna ignore him and lead to that old cliché.

…Well okay, i’ll give the movie props for that. But wait, this movie won’t get any better

He gives her the pearl back, as he never forgets who he is friends are. Yeah, it almost works but then Jolie comes in  to be useless

Since he’s famous she cuddles up with him, creating a forced love triangle. Yay! Will smith heads out by spies two sharks looking for jack black

Then jack himself pops up behind will! They talk and explain what is going on. Jack is crying over frankie, but it’s still not sad. Seriously, why couldn’t they let it sink in instead of having it be boring and un-funny

Jack thinks it’s his fault (why) and wants to hang with oscar, So he won’t go home and face the shame. Will smith eventually takes him in.

At this point, it’s kind of…boring. After half an hour of in jokes, puns and voices you start to get used to it…then bored. And this plot isn’t helping either.

But then will smith tells him about the shark slayer lie, so now he HAS to keep jack or he’ll reveal his lie. Oh great, liar reveled. Geez, it didn’t kill my family like it did with doug walker but it’s still annoying.

“and if, god forbid, somehow should…”

How do you know about god? Anyway, he has to keep jack safe, but also hide him from the other fish.

More lame jokes later, jack gets himself a bed.

“Let’s just say i’m different from the other sharks ”

…;You’re gay? Hey, given his voice and how this subplot goes, he might as well be!

So will smith tells jack that nothing is wrong with him and that he shouldn’t blame himself, since it was kind of oscar’s fault. Yet jack isn’t angry.

He just says his dad would kill will.

“What is he, the godfather?r”

VERY. FUCKING. SUBTLE

Will returns to skyes, who is on the phone with robert de niro. He’s talking shit to him, and it only gets worse when will smith fish is forced to talk to him.

…Then one of robert’s henchman calls, thinking he’s calling a pizza place

“When did you work at  pizza joint?”

1. Spongebob it that joke better

2. NOT FUNNY

Robert tells Will he’s fucked (why not kill him now) and hangs up. Then jolie fish shows up again to turn this scene into softcore porn.

But then she kind of turns bitchy when he considers retiring from fame. Will smith is able to swim away when he “agrees” with her that he should stick to fame.

He walks out and runs into angie…who found jack black. Okay, allow me to sum this up

“WILL SMITH YOU LIED”

“ANGIE COME ON”

“NO, SHUT UP”

“I;M A DOUCHE!”

“YES, YOU ARE”

“I’M IN TROUBLE”

“NOT GONNA HELP, YOU DESERVE IT”

“BLAH BLAH BANTER”

Yeah, it’s boring. Will smith doesn’t let that sink in and just wants to not get eaten…loving him yet, guys?

Angie wants him to tell the truth but he ignores it. Fuck. This guy. Seriously, this is not a “cute” mistake, he makes a very dick-ish choice! 

So later, jack black heads into the city, humming…the jaws theme…goddammit, and I thought the oscars used it too much!

This has been your topical joke of the week

So now it’s time for another cliché: faking a fight, will smith pretends to fight jack black so that jack can vanish and will can be a hero.

“Are you not entertained?”

Is that a trick question?

“you can’t handle the truth! You had me at hello”

STOP WITH THE REFERENCES

Anyway, that was when will smith pretends to get eaten, then break out. Jack’s buddies come by and see will smith beating him up.

Long story short, it goes well and jack’s buddies see it. And..then jolie fish shows up to be herself ,…and angie sees it.

For fuck’s sake, THIS cliché now?!

So will smith returns to jack’s new home with angie. She is pissed, though smith doesn’t notice or care. Cliché and a reason to hate will smith, all in one!

Again let me sum this up.

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT LOLA”

“YOU DO WHY”

“CUZ I LOVE YOU BUT WON’T SAY IT”

“YOU WHAT ME? I DON’T KNOW CUZ I’M AN IDIOT”

Stop. Being,. Boring.

Oh, and then this

“At least she treats me like i’m somebody”

For god’s sake, SHUT UP. I get what they are going for, but then use cliched dialogue and dull characters to fill their moral, and it gets really annoying!

Angie also admits the love thing and how she saw him as a somebody, before the money. I wish I could care, but this boring, annoying, and all around half assed

Long story short (too late) , they mope and dope and it’s really boring, and as forced as heart can be. I KNOW I should care about this, and usually I would, but it’s done so lazily, with character so annoying, that I can’t get into this.

This scene screams “WILL SMITH REGRETS THIS AND WANTS HIS OLD LIFE BACK”. Talk about a heavy handed moral..

It goes on for like 3 minutes before, he shows up at his house where jolie fish tries to do the “FORGET HER” bullcrap. Oh, and i’ll talk about the animation for a bit:

The backgrounds are decent, as well as the sharks. But every close up of our main characters, ESPECIALLY will smith, looks like a video game. And for a big budget dreamworks movie, that’s bad.

I say that cuz there is a close up of will smith so bad I won’t even show it. Anyway, will smith thinks that he likes angie, so he jumps lola.

After facing her wrath, he goes to tell angie he loves her. Yeah, one montage, and boom he loves her. No reason

Oh, and jack black is disguised as a dolphin, so he can blend in now. Okay, this makes my jabberjaw comment funny

But will smith gets a call from Robert’s Goon saying angie has been kidnapped. As they talk, will smith tells Sykes that he is a fake. He’s pissed, but will moves on to his plan.

Will, skyes, and dolphin jack black head to the mafia, since they think will is a shark killer. Robert de niro comes in to give a speech about stuff.

He reveals angie, and smith keeps putting on an act…then jolie shows up, cuz I hate my life. She’s here for revenge cuz…meh. She’s SUCH a pointless character, and she has no personality outside of being a bitch.

Will smith just laughs like the lovable chap he is. He has jack black pretend to eat angie…then he jumps on the table briefly singing can’t touch this.

I….whatever

It was KIND of badass, until he starts boasting, with his awful dialogue. With that, most of the sharks are scared straight

…But then will smith starts boasting again and tells them to get a more mob-ish hideout, which takes so much time that jack black can’t take it and throws up angie and starts talking…thus revealing himself.

Will smith fish, please get caught on the hooks, and be sent to a gift shop.

Robert de niro is happy to see jack black alive…but not about the disguise. He still thinks will smith killed frankie, so he’s extra pissed

But more so at wll, as he killed his son and made jack black a dolphin. So, Robert attacks will. GO ROBERT DE NIRO!

He swims out but…is met with the shrimp from earlier

“Say hello to my little friend”

fuck you

So now there is a chase, which ends up at the car wash. Okay, I haven’t seen a fight at a car wish, so this bit is kind of cool

But it ends when will catches robert in one of those…roller things.oh, and angie ended up inside of a bubble

“FUCKING BUBBLES”

So angie is saved, but the news saw this and think .he’s still a shark-slayer. But of course, he tells them he isn’t, and says a cliché speech

He says the anchor killed Frankie.  Jack black says that he likes veggies and it doesn’t matter. All robert cared about was frankie, the killer

“So he likes kelp. So he’s friends with a fish. So like to dress like a dolphin? So what?!”

Wait…is this a gay allegory? If so, it’s dumb one in a movie WITH FUCKING WILL SMITH FISH’S FACE

“Get me out of this,…so I can hug my kid”

Okay…this isn’t that bad. We did see robert’s side, and his transformation isn’t all that bad, and in the end, both he jack had a nice moment.

HOWEVER..

jack black is still annoying, and even though he has a CHARACTER unlike Will, this still doesn’t fully work. It’s nice, but it feels forced and the way it ties into will’s character is really forced. It feels like they wanted a good shark story, but they put in will as our hero 4 DA KIDZ YO, so they pushed that to the side and tied it into will’s story badly.

Nice idea, but it’s done poorly cuz it had little focus, thanks to will smith fish. Am I heartless? No, I just hate bad writing

At the same time, angie shows up and will apologizes for everything. He tells us the “like where you are” moral and stuff. Yes, Will did the right thing in the end, but he’s still not funny, and it spends 80 percent of the movie being a douche and when he does do a good thing, it’s minor or forced..

Anyway,. She buys it and they kiss. Robert says the reef is safe from his sharks, and all that jazz.

So Will Smith becomes the new manager of the whale wash (guess sykes got kicked out…somehow?) and sykes is his partner (yeah all he did was TRY TO KILL YOU) .

So Jack black is accepted, the reef is safe from sharks, angie loves oscar, and they all gather in an annoying, rushed, dance party ending.

The. Fucking. End

Final Thoughts:

At 78 minutes, the film is short. And I made it even shorter by skipping the MANY MINUTES of pointless filler.

This is the worst dreamworks film, easily. Dreamworks has a rep for having movies full of only pop culture jokes, annoying jokes, and and pointless celebrities. 

And this film shows us that . While I admit I actually like pretty much most of their films, this is the only I hate. Even Antz had SOME good characters and jokes!

The animation is annoying, the jokes are full of catchphrases, references and puns, and the characters are either really boring or really annoying.

You can tell no thought went into this. The story is also really cliché when you get down to it, and the underwater world makes no sense and they never take advantage of it. So if you put this on land, it would the same,

Oh, and the character designs are really ugly, as they look way too human. It’s hard to look at them, ESPECIALLY oscar. Oh yeah, I am not joking when I think he’s one of the wort main characters…in a Modern animate film. 

He’s annoying, he’s a selfish, and when he learns his lesson, he still fucks up and even at the end, it’s so rushed that I can’t get his annoying phase out of my head. Him being ugly makes it worse.

Doug walker was right he said it was trying too hard to be HIP 4 DA KIDZ YO and they got these people for the names, and no other reason. Okay, I admit, Robert de norio and sykes get a couple good lines and Robert’s character is the best, but even he can’t save this mess.

On top of that, when you get used to it’s annoyance, it gets really boring at being annoying, and when it focuses on the story, you realize how cliché it is and you stop caring.

It’s not the worst, and it has it’s moments, but overall, it’s a bad film. Not even my nostalgia can save it. It’s the worst dreamworks film by far as it shows every bad aspect of their company.

Grade: D

So there you go\, dreamworks-athon is no more, and this review was a apology.. Sorry I couldn’t do it. 

Wait…next month’s march. You know what that means?

IT’S DISNEY CHANNEL ORIGINAL MOVIE MONTH!

See ya.