Welcome back to Make It Stop, where we count down the four things this week that must stop
1. The Rob Lowe DirecTV ads
I like Rob Lowe. He’s a fine actor and seems like a good dude, but holy shit I saw more of him on Wednesday night than Madison Bumgarner. Did DirecTV buy up every last ad slot for every sporting event? I propose a new law: if you buy up that much ad time, you have to have more than TWO ads in your rotation. Otherwise, I’m spending three hours with nerdy Rob Lowe. That’s too much nerdy Rob Lowe. Even Rob Lowe is like, "Damn, that’s a lotta nerdy Rob Lowe!" I need the FCC to put limits on the amount of nerdy Rob Lowe people are forced to consume daily.
**2. "All About That Bass" **
Every pop song now is either about people demanding no one stop their partying (Go ahead, I ain’t stopping you) or trite empowerment anthems directed at young people who already think they’re the fucking greatest thing to happen to humanity ever. Just one time, I would like to hear a pop song that’s like, "Holy shit, you’ve got a lot of work to do!" But anyone listening to HOT97 THA HITZZZZ doesn’t wanna hear that shit. They want some kind of daily musical affirmation that’s ultimately hollow. I’m all for positive body images, but this is musical smarm, man. This shit is strategized now. They’re not even subtle about the lyrics. I’ve read Salon columns that contain more metaphors. They’re just like, "Let’s write a butt pandering anthem and buy a boat," and it works. And yes, I’m bitter because this shit is still in my head. It was either this or "Shake It Off."
3. Pre-Halloween Celebrations
Trick or treating started in earnest roughly a week ago in my neck of the woods. Kids get Halloween parties at school. People put candy dishes out at doctor’s offices. Orange cupcakes have been on the grocery store shelf for a month. This is all a plot by BIG SUGAR to stretch out the miniature-candy purchasing season to a full fortnight. By the time actual Halloween rolls around, my kids have already had enough candy to fuel a fucking aircraft carrier. They’ve worn their costumes twice already for stuff. IT USED TO BE ABOUT THE TRICK OR TREATING, MAN. And I still can’t find anyone who’s giving out FastBreak bars.
4. Honey Boo Boo
This was a logical endgame for that show, but that doesn’t make it any more tolerable.